The Canonical List of Lawyer Jokes
List Of Lawyer Humor (Court Jester)
Version-History: 0.05 (92/07), 0.08 (92/10), 1.00 (92/12), 1.01 (93/01),
1.02 (93/02), 1.09 (93/09), 1.10 (93/10), 1.11 (93/10), 1.12 (93/11), 1.13
(93/12), 2.00 (94/01), 2.01 (94/02), 2.02 (94/03), 2.03 (94/04)
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Q & A J O K E S
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Q: How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A: Who cares?
Q: What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A: A waste of cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: In front of you stand three men: Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Use both bullets on the lawyer.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 12 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys!!!!
Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
A: With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a slimy bottom-crawling scum-sucking scavenger, and the other's just a fish.
Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
Q: What does and Lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Why are lawyers so great in bed?
A: They get so much practice screwing people.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
A: He was disbarred.
Q: What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
A: The tie around a lawyer's neck.
Q: What's the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called "Sosumi."
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Throw him a rock.
A2: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A3: Take your foot off his head.
A4: No. Good!
Q: Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
A: People couldn't decide which side to spit on.
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
One-Liners and Long Jokes
Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?
C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
Attorneys at Law
If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the paper?
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they
wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
There are two flaws in each theory of origin: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right
mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator... It would be a good
idea to just leave them there!
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he
bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
There was a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow
by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers
here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll
have a lawyer for my 'gator."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who
gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too
bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her
legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his
funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?"
said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your
background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street
together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She
gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two
bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant
from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't
seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the
trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his
client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!"
The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment,
he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a ripoff," the man
muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to
question that woman's punishment?"
The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're
late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be
home by a quarter of twelve."
Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million
dollars." "That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the
terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential
clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their
way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury
two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for
medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three
reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. Lawyers breed faster.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The
Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for
the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and
you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's
soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and
the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment,
then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted
him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your
honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked
the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, Your
honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the
car I stole."
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain
offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic profession> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be
first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said,
"She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her
feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What
about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said,
"I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the
stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to
bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had
both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was
nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main
lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel
experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the
jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat
from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash--
it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the
butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues,
"Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I
see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoe
shine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter
turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward
to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A guy is standing in the line at the supermarket when another man comes up behind him in
line. The second guy starts massaging the first guys shoulders. The first guy turns around
and gives the second guy a dirty look. A few minutes later the second guy starts massaging the
first guy's shoulders again. The first guy turns around and says "Hey I don't know what the
hell you think you are doing but quit it!" The second guy replies, "Well I'm a chiropractor
and I thought you needed it." The first guy says," Yeah, so. I'm a lawyer and you don't
see me screwing the guy in front of me!"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so
many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see
where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends
to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the
ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the
man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to
Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
Two lawyers are standing on a corner when a beautiful woman walks by.
"Wow," says one to the other. "Look at her! I'd sure like to fuck her."
"Really?," replies his companion. "Outta what?"
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead
attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter,
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the
purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle
accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries,
whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for
AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp,
female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A0: How many can you afford?
A1: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A4: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light
Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from
the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation,
and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front
(north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder
or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being
non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the
first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of
the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the
aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon
duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties
stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned
failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure
insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the
non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is
observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-
same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the
aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization
of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also
known as "The Firm".
A5: None, he'll have the janitor do it. But, you'll get the following bill:
Item Light bulb
(What it really means)
Lawyer's time $400
(1 hr. Min.)
Connectivity charge $100
(he called janitor)
Staff charge $250
(secretary prepared bill)
Research fee $422
Consulting fee $431
Specialized equipment $122
Delivery expense $34
(had messenger deliver it)
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $394
A lawyer, an architect and an economist were arguing about who had the oldest
Lawyer: In the beginning God gave instructions to Adam and Eve, and this was the law.
Therefore law is the oldest profession.
Architect: But before Adam and Eve the universe was made up of chaos, and God turned
the chaos into the world. By doing this 'building' he was an architect.
Economist: And where do you think all that chaos came from?
A farmer went to an attorney and said he wanted "one of them dee-vorces"
Attorney said: "Do you have grounds?"
Farmer said: "Yup' I got 30 acres."
Attorney: "No, that's not what I mean, do you have a case?"
Farmer: "Nope, I gotta John Deere, that's what I farm them 30 acres with."
Attorney: "No no. You're not understanding me. Do you want to bring
suit. Have you got a grudge?"
Farmer: "Well I've got a suit hanging home in the closet. The grudge,
that's where I keep my John Deere."
Attorney: "Oh, we're not communicating at all. Let's talk about your wife
for a minute. Do you beat her up?"
Farmer: "Nope, she gets up about 4:30 AM...about the same time as me."
Attorney: "No no. Is she a nagger?"
Farmer: "No, she's not, but the last kid was. That's the reason
I want the dee-vorce."
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex
lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him
inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be
entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told
the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on
the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of
people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter
and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this
attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the
hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief
executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and
made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the
last question, he excused himself, made for the library and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his
interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked
outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and
asked "How much do you want it to be?"
Believing in predestination, a new father set out three objects on the dining room table in
preparation for his son's arrival home from school. The first object was a $100 bill. "That
represents high finance. If he takes this, he's go into business." The second object was a
Bible. "If he takes this one, he'll be a man of the cloth." The third object was a bottle of cheap
whiskey. "If he goes for this one, he'll be a drunkard!" The father and his wife then hid
where they could see their son's approach. Soon, the son entered the room and examined each
article briefly. He then checked to make sure that he was alone. Not seeing anyone, he stuffed the
money in his pocket, put the Bible under his arm, and strolled out of the room draining the
whiskey. The father looked at his wife and beamed, "How about that! He's going to be a
A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer were all caught in a shipwreck. Naturally, there are a lot of
sharks circling around. All of a sudden, one shark darts in and grabs the priest for lunch.
No more priest.
The rabbi starts praying frantically, but to no avail, as a shark comes in and eats him, too.
Now the lawyer is really worried, as a shark is coming for him. But, miracle of miracles,
the shark puts him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off.
The lawyer, curious, waits till the shark is far enough away not to eat him, and asks, "How
come you didn't eat me?" And the shark replies, "Professional Courtesy!"
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So
they stopped at the next farmhouse and explained their situation to the farmer who answered the
door. "Well, you're welcome to stay here tonight", the farmer said. "But I only have room
for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn." "I will", said the Hindu.
With that the Lawyer and Rabbi went to retire. After a few minutes there was a knock on
the door. It was the Hindu. "I am sorry, but I can not sleep in the barn, as there is a cow in it, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a cow."
So the Rabbi and the Lawyer agree that perhaps the Rabbi should trade places with the
Hindu, and the Rabbi went out, and again the men went to retire.
But a short time later came another knock on the door. Opening it, they found the Rabbi
who said "I'm sorry, but I can't sleep in the barn either. There's a pig in there, and my religion forbids me to sleep in the same room as a pig."
Weary of the whole problem by this time, the Lawyer pulls the Rabbi into the house, grabs a
blanket and heads for the barn. Once again the men went to retire, but soon after there came
a third knocking on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
A doctor, dentist and lawyer were playing golf at their country club when they got stuck
behind a foursome playing terribly slow. After their round, they went to the clubhouse to
"Look..we pay our dues..we're good members here and we deserve better than that". The
pro looked back and said "Guys I'm sorry but I should have told you that foursome ahead of you
Feeling terrible about his comment the doctor said "tell them if they ever need medical care,
they should come see me. It's on the house". The dentist replied in kind saying
"absolutely...if they need oral work it's totally no charge."
The lawyer thought for a second and said "F**k em !! Let 'em play at night!"
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small
quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, St. Peter appeared
up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.
Peter brought them down on the cloud-encrusted front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all
sorts of lavish trappings, fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young
women to serve for eternity. This, St. Peter announced, is where the lawyer will be
spending eternity. (at least until the end of time..) The Pope, awe-struck at the opulence and
splendor, could hardly wait to his new domicile.
St. Peter led on, and the landscape below began to appear more and more mundane until they
finally land on a street lined with shabby apartment buildings. Pete indicates the third
walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room
with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. St. Peter turned to leave, wishing
the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am
wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent estate and I, once Earth's Spiritual
Leader, get this small room!!??"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Well, you see, this street is practically
encrusted with spiritual leaders and Popes from many times and religions. We're putting you
here with them. The lawyer gets an estate because we only have ONE lawyer!"
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to the
first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the engineer. We've been expecting you. Please follow
me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101. "This is where you'll be
staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold,
musty room. Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging.
Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog. Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above, "Mr. Jones! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrance
gate. "And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the second man. "You are in
room 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and
dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging everywhere,
and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor. As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice
from above cries, "Mr. Smith! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate. "And
you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are in room number
103. Please follow me." When they get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal
another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the water dripping
walls. But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the
voice cries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
3 surgeons are discussing what kind of patient they most like to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like operating on scientists best -- you take them apart, fix the
problem, and when you go to put them back together, all the parts are numbered.'
The second surgeon says, 'No, I like engineers the best -- you take them apart, fix the
problem, and when you go to put them back together, not only are the parts numbered, but
they are color-coded.'
The third says, 'No the best to operate on are lawyers -- you take them apart, fix the
problem, and when you go to put them back together, and there are only two parts, a mouth and an
a**hole, and the two are interchangeable!' "
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he
retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different
friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The
friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries
for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and
raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though,
wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local
backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from
his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful
aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What'd'ya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the
Czech was in the Male?"
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed
that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence
Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help
pay for it."
Lucifer: "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."
Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will
sue you for that amount."
Lucifer laughed and asked: "And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!"
The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself at the gates of
Hell. "Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could join us. As
your last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three possible places that you
will spend the rest of eternity."
There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames shot into the
room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire. "No" said the lawyer. "Not
The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of people slaving away
at a large rockpile. They were all being whipped as they hammered the large boulders into
smaller boulders. "No" again said the lawyer.
Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of people in a incredibly
large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them were chanting 'Don't make waves, don't
make waves...' "That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in repulsion.
"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you should see it when the angels spend the
weekend here with their motorboats!"
The lawyer decides for this third room "Hey, at least I won't toil and sweat, I'll be warm
and cozy forever!"
So he goes in and stands in the vomit with the rest, when the devil screams: " ALL RIGHT
FELLOWS, THE BREAK IS OVER, EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AGAIN! "
A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with his closest
friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor, and a Lawyer (of course.)
The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking about his approaching
death. He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.
"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of you. I don't wish to
go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw
your envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin?"
The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.
Sure enough, the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the
Lawyer threw their envelopes on his coffin.
As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, "I have a confession to
make. The church needed a new altar badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at
The Doctor said, "Well, since you've admitted it, I too must confess that I took the
money. The children's hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I
took $30,000 to buy it."
The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar confession.
Instead, the lawyer said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope onto that
coffin, I didn't take any of the money. It held my personal check for the full $100,000!"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on
a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you
accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're
saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to
know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone.
Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you
so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with
tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could
have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.'"
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady
cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my
ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice
suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed
the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third
day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife,
"That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient
completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks
me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
"I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of
character! - Michael Lara
"There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax
return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'" - ibid
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no
problem with fee-splitting.
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when
they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One
of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that
woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied,
"I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The
following morning, the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it." He
laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was
surprised when he received a summons ordering his attendance in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be
presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she rented for a specified length of time for the
sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the
purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00,
one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property,
and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and got up to give his rebuttal, which was somewhat
different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My
client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all
labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were
payment in part, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said
property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered
thusly: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the
shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the
property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted."
And it was. She won the case.
Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one
day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend, was to be executor
of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars'
worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will: "Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On
the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know
you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to my
family. Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself. The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder will go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?" The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of per his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep
the rest for yourself."
In a courtroom, a purse snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She
says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which
point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"
Matthew P. Dukes, 26, sentenced to 30 days in jail in 1989 following his sixth
drunken-driving conviction, tried for 15 months (through December 1990) to get into jail in Ravenna, Ohio, but each time was turned away because the jail was full. The Court ruled that his constitutional rights are being violated by the jail's refusal to admit him.
A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer began marketing
their product in the US, with an English language manual noticeably larger than the
Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators explained with great humor in a report
that this was because of all the additional warnings, such as "Do not attempt to stop the
chainsaw with your hand." This was made even more humorous a couple of years later,
when they were saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a U.S. citizen who was injured
stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the manual specifically
warned against it. Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the
Scandinavian manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that
stupid. Some Swedes thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label on
them stating: "Warning: This product not intended for use by stupid people." Let this guy try to
prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid
and didn't violate the instructions.
A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded. The jury
had been drawn with eight women and four men, had been seated and the trial was under
way, the defendant switched his plea. "Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded
to plead 'guilty'?" "No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know
women would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of
The U. S. Attorney in Miami declined to prosecute a drug smuggling case in which the
Customs Service had confiscated a half ton of marijuana because the office is overworked
and won't touch cases under the 2.5 ton minimum.
There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed trap in a small southern town. The
cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him before the local Justice of the Peace. The Justice
fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the spot. The young fellow turned to
go but was called back by the Justice and handed the old ticket. The speedster said, "Just what
am I supposed to do with this? I paid my fine!" Whereupon the old J. P. replied, "Keep it,
when you get three, you get a bicycle!"
In December 1993, Atlanta attorney Dennis Scheib stopped by the prosecutor's office to
represent a new client in a criminal case. Just outside the office, he saw two officers chasing
a man down the hall, and he joined in to help. After the three men caught the escapee and
handcuffed him, Scheib learned the man was the client he had been on his way to court to
From "The Houston Chronicle" A defense attorney in a Northern California murder case
says he believes Max the parrot may hold the answer to who smothered Jane Gill to death in her
bedroom two years ago. But an attempt to get the African gray parrot's testimony into
evidence last week was blocked by the judge. Max was found dehydrated and hungry in his
cage two days after Gill's murder. After the parrot was coaxed back to health at a pet shop,
the shop's owner said "Richard, no, no, no!" The man charged in the case is Gill's business
partner, and his name is not Richard. He says he is innocent. Gary Dixon, a private
investigator working on the case, surmised that the bird is now in a witness-protection
program. "Max's identity has been changed, and he is now a macaw," he said.
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